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The Victories of Mordrok
Verse 1: 1. Mordrok dictates this manifest to his sniveling and incompetent Forsaken scribe not because he is lazy or illiterate, nor because his large green fingers are too mighty to handle the delicate and cowardly writing instruments preferred by the weak and frail. 2. Mordrok dictates because POWER comes from WORDS BEING SPOKEN and not written. 3. Make the word power large so that they will see it and know that it is important. 4. No, don't write that, go back and make the word large. IDIOT SCRIBE DO YOU SPEAK ORCISH I SAID STO- ' ' 5. Mordrok's latest tale of victory comes from the shattered wastes of Draenor, known to many as Outland. 6. Mordrok was summoned to Netherstorm, the very EYE of the Netherstorm, called the Eye of the Storm. 7. Horde intelligence indicated that the hated Alliance, not content with stealing our precious flags or stables here on Azeroth, sought to occupy abandoned buildings and scrap heaps in space that by rights should be annexed by the Horde. 8. MORDROK WILL NOT LET THIS AFFRONT STAND. ' ' 9. As Mordrok and his elite strike team were air dropped onto the battlefield, there were many injuries. 10. Mordrok deftly navigated the rocky debris to escape unscathed, but as he rode to the tactically essential abandoned Fel Reaver scrap pile, the screams of wounded elves and the mournful moos of broken Tauren assaulted his ears like so many Wildhammer Dwarves. 11. Soldiering bravely on, Mordrok arrived alone at his destination. ' ' 12. Then in the distance Mordrok spied an approaching phalanx of Alliance mercenaries! 13. But these were not just any Alliance, they were Alliance known to Mordrok! 14. As Mordrok barked orders to allies that were not there, the hated KINGSHIP OF THE EAST led by the nefarious warlock Malvoiant smashed through his defenses and dared to claim the useless pile of dirt stained by the leaking and rusting Fel machine for themselves.15. Mordrok fought with HONOR and BRAVERY as he is known to do, but their numbers proved too great and Mordrok decided that his bravery would be better served on a different part of the battlefield. ' ' 16. AND SO IT WENT, Mordrok bravely defending the derelict buildings in the formless void and bravely advancing to other buildings when THE HATED KINGSHIP descended upon him like so many unkillable vultures. 17. When at last the foul warlock Malvoiant stood alone at Mordrok's highly dangerous and likely radioactive scrap heap on the hill, Mordrok knew what he must do. 18. He calmly walked forward, rage and hatred guiding his steps. 19. And as the lightning crashed through the black sky, and as the screams of the dying echoed across the barren rocks, and as the Alliance brashly settled into all of the stolen buildings to plot their next acts of treachery... ' ' 20. Mordrok took a victory seat next to the grinning warlock. 21. He sat, and he surveyed the land. 22. He stewed in the boiling juices of anger and indignation and seasoned the hate-filled broth with liberal amounts of consternation and malice. 23. And as he supped on his dinner of rage he reveled in the victory that would be his. Next time. ' ' Verse 2: ' ' 1. Here begins the second Tale of Victory, detailing Mordrok's incursion into the Obsidian Sanctum. ' ' 2. It is known throughout the realm that Mordrok is a slayer of men. 3. Also Dwarves, Elves, and the Large Blue Things with the horrible laugh. 4. Occasionally the wolfmen as well. 5. BUT NOW IS THE TIME FOR MORDROK TO BE KNOWN AS A SLAYER OF DRAGONS. ' ' 6. Mordrok stood vigilant at the gates of the Obsidian Sanctum, a brave band of allies at his back and a fearsome cadre of dragons before him. 7. Mordrok had heard tales of the powerful black dragon Sartharion embedded deep beneath the Temple of Wyrmrest; a dragon that could command the VERY LAVA AROUND HIM, in addition to the normal things like fiery breath that could melt the flesh from your charred bones and always the crushing tail swipe. 8. It was THIS DRAGON that would now taste the potent and nutty vengeance of Mordrok, with a pleasing aftertaste of PAIN. ' ' 9. The beast's ignorance proved to be his undoing, as Mordrok and company bravely dispatched his minions while he stood idly by. 10. Soon the heroes stood before him, bloodied but resolute. 11. Mordrok charged and struck a mighty blow to the dragon's toe, angering it greatly. 12. Sartharion roared with displeasure as Mordrok's allies slung spells and blades at the creature's iron hide, and victory seemed assured BUT WHAT IS THIS. 13. A twilight drake, somehow hidden and unnoticed by the adventurers, now swooped down to Sartharion's aid! 14. Acting quickly, Mordrok leaped at the beast and struck a grievous blow to its serpentine neck, distracting it from chewing on his companions. ' ' 15. The hero Mordrok now battled TWO DRAGONS AT ONCE, deflecting the vicious strikes with his shield while expertly poking them with his blade. 16. Using his keen warrior's sense to fight AND ALSO BE AWARE OF OTHER THINGS Mordrok saw that there were two other Twilight Drakes lurking in the shadows, preparing to strike. 17. Just as Mordrok was readying himself for the assault Sartharion roared his last, his wicked shell pierced and rent by Mordrok's stalwart brothers in arms. 18. The Twilight Drakes, cowed by the display of ferocity, took wing in retreat. ' ' 19. As Mordrok shook the grime and blood from his armor, and his allies prepared to loot the dragon's lair, a menacing hiss issued forth from behind the massive corpse. 20. A young black drake stalked forth, razor sharp talons clicking on the black rock beneath it, its wings spread wide in challenge. 21. Mordrok's team readied their blades, but Mordrok ordered them to stay their hands. 22. He had other plans for this whelp. ' ' 23. Roaring mightily, Mordrok charged forth and struck the dragon squarely on the jaw. 24. It screeched in anger, swatting at him with claws of fury and snapping jaws of doom. 25. Mordrok was undeterred. 26. Nimbly and with Agility surprising for one with such massive Strength, Mordrok performed a chokehold on the drake with his mighty arms and kicked it in the gut until it stopped squirming. 27. Mordrok's allies were sufficiently awed by his prowess, and as he climbed atop the newly subdued drake, they began a Slow Clap. 28. Taking wing on his new mount, Mordrok let loose with a BELLOW THAT SHOOK THE HEAVENS. ' ' Verse 3: ' ' 1. Here begins the third tale of victory, wherein Mordrok the Great and Terrible conquers the Elemental Plane of Fire. ' ' 2. Mordrok is known far and wide throughout Azeroth. 3. His name is whispered fearfully amongst the Alliance populace, lest its very mention rain blade-filled death upon those who dare utter it. 4. The tales of his brilliant victory over the Stormwind Coward's Brigade and the Gnomish Convalescent Division are sung by the most charming bards, and his genius is revered by all scholars that wish to keep their heads perched upon their frail shoulders. ' ' 5. BUT WHERE DOES A CONQUEROR GO WHEN THERE IS NAUGHT LEFT TO CONQUER? ' ' 6. Mordrok will now tell you this. ' ' 7. The druids of Hyjal had been fighting a losing battle in the depths of the very PLANE OF FIRE against the mighty Ragnaros and his flaming minions. 8. Hope was dwindling, morale was sinking, and the entire situation looked miserably grim. 9. AND THEN MORDROK ARRIVED. ' ' 10. Striding Orcishly through the portal, as was his way, Mordrok planted two heavy boots in the steaming dirt and surveyed the situation. 11. There were Minions of Flame to be fought, but these flimsy creatures would do little more than singe Mordrok's axe. 12. There were Druids of the Flame, but for all their bluster they were still pitiful Elves. 13. There were large scaly worms bursting forth from the ground, BUT MORDROK IS NOT A FISH AND THEREFORE HAD NO INTEREST. 14. Then, in the distance, his Conqueror's Gaze set upon a worthy foe. 15. From the thick, acrid smoke strode a figure so large the very ground shook beneath it. 16. Its great fist, dripping with burning lava, cracked against its rocky palm, and it grunted a challenge from its cavernous stone throat. 17. The molten behemoth walked purposefully towards Mordrok, intent on crushing him beneath its massive girth. 18. BUT MORDROK IS NOT SO EASILY CRUSHED. ' ' 19. With a bellowing roar that shattered several nearby porous rocks and caused several fire scorpions to skitter away in terror, Mordrok charged at the giant, his black axe gleaming balefully in the light of the flames. 20. He struck with vigor, and again, AND A THIRD TIME, and the monster roared with displeasure. 21. Sensing that a mighty attack was forthcoming, Mordrok used his uncanny agility to LEAP AWAY and SURE ENOUGH the great beast ponderously lifted its foot in a Massive Stomp. 22. But Mordrok was not nearby to be crushed. ' ' 23. Laughing a glorious conqueror's laugh, Mordrok charged back at the monster for more slaughter. 24. Dutifully he whacked and wailed on the titan's hide, chipping away at its defenses until molten blood flowed quite freely and Mordrok began to be concerned that he would be cooked alive in his plate armor. 25. But rather than allow himself such an ignoble demise Mordrok instead CHOSE VICTORY. 26. He shouted forth a mighty noise that was something like a bellowing roar mixed with a conqueror's laugh, and also there were some inspiring words to be heard as well. 27. Truly did the very plane of fire quake with dread at Mordrok's victory warble, and had anyone nearby survived hearing it they would have also told you how horrifying and beautiful it was, like an angel wearing a Male Gnome mask. ' ' 28. BUT MORDROK DIGRESSES. ' ' 29. Standing proudly at the site of his Flawless Victory, Mordrok let forth another brave laugh, and even the fire slugs nearby were inspired to greatness simply from being in its presence. 30. Mordrok felt an annoying tug at his tabard, and glanced down to see his faithful but pathetic Squire, pointing fearfully at the shadow above Mordrok. 31. Mordrok craned his mighty neck backwards but could not see past his majestic shoulderpads, so he turned his whole body just in time to see his unfortunate miscalculation. ' ' 32. AND SO ENDS THE THIRD TALE OF VICTORY. ' ' Verse 4: ' ' 1. Here begins the fourth tale of victory, wherein Mordrok the Unmatched defeats the Alliance in their very seat of power. ' ' 2. The cacophony of battle rang loud in Mordrok's ears. 3. Eighty of the Horde's finest soldiers had launched a surprise assault against Stormwind itself, a bold incursion to the Alliance's capitol that was now taking a turn for the worse. 4. The doors had been barricaded and the windows sealed with magic wards, but even now the proud heroes of Stormwind rallied to their king's defense, and though the Horde was grimly resolute, even they could not hold out forever. ' ' 5. "Status report!" Mordrok roared as he swung his axe brutally down onto the skull of a Kingsguard, the plate helm crumpling beneath the sheer force of the blow. 6. Blood fountained forth from the wound, spraying a bright red line across Mordrok's gauntlets. 7. Mordrok wrenched his axe free and kicked the corpse to the side. 8. A wet cough from below caught his attention and Mordrok knelt beside the badly bleeding troll who had issued it. ' ' 9. "You there, redshirt. Tuck your guts back in and tell Mordrok your name, that he may carve it on the Wall of Heroes when he returns triumphantly to Orgrimmar." 10. Whether the young troll's shirt was red by design or drenched in blood, Mordrok could not tell. 11. The troll coughed weakly, blood bubbling from his lips. "Chief... I ain't got... much longa..." 12. "Yes, MORDROK HAS ESTABLISHED THIS. Name, soldier!" 13. The troll hacked another bloody chunk and continued. "Chiiieeeeef... tell me muddah... tell her dat... I..." 14. The troll's head fell back and his chest stilled. 15. Mordok laid his head flat and closed his eyelids. 16. "Fear not, redshirt. Mordrok knows the misery of having a mother TOO WELL, and though he knows not her name... or yours..." he rose to his feet and clenched his fist defiantly, " ALL HORDE MOTHERS SHALL KNOW OF THE VICTORY WE EARNED THIS DAY! LOK'TAR OGAR!" ' ' 17. A crack shattered the air and Mordrok turned to look, struggling vainly to see over his massive shoulderpads. 18. The keep door had split open and the pitiful Alliance were swarming in, the air crackling and tinny with wicked magic and the weak battlecries issuing forth from their soft, pink throats. 19. Facing the current battle again Mordrok spied his prey, the Alliance king Varian Wrynn, locked in battle with several of the Horde's finest. 20. The Alliance heroes poured into the throne room and Mordrok knew what he must do. ' ' 21. "Mordrok knows what he must do!" Mordrok shouted, hefting his mighty axe. 22. "Stand back Horde, the destruction Mordrok is about to unleash cares not for faction loyalties!" 23. With a great roar that shattered the glass in the keep's windows and shook the stones in their mortar, Mordrok began to spin around, holding out his blade like a deadly child's toy of doom. 24. Faster he spun, into the crowd of Alliance and their grinning war cries turned to screams of agony. 25. Limbs flew this way and that, blood spewing forth from the countless wounds Mordrok's terrible axe inflicted. 26. When the Bladestorm reached its terrifying end, Mordrok whirled to a stop and sheathed his axe on his back. ' ' 27. All was silent. 28. The Horde were pressed against the throne room walls, packed tightly against each other so that none were in the path of destruction. 29. The Alliance king, jaw slack with disbelief, blinked once and angrily sheathed his sword. 30. At his feet lay the severed remains of his guards and heroes, blood rising in a thick, gristly pool as their limbs and torsos emptied. ' ' 31. "Orc, you are the mightiest warrior I have ever seen, and I killed a dragon all by myself. 32. You spin with the fury of the Maelstrom and yet you are not even dizzy." 33. The king frowned and defiantly jutted out his chin, narrowly missing Mordrok across the room. 34. "Name your terms." ' ' 35. Mordrok placed his hands on his hips, proudly dripping with the blood of hundreds of his foes. 36. "FIRST. You will send your animal handlers to Loch Modan and wrangle no less than EIGHTY BLACK BEARS." 37. Mordrok glanced down at the red shirted corpse on the floor. 38. "SEVENTY NINE black bears. 39. They will be trained to accept Horde riders, and we will occupy this city until such time as we can ride out triumphantly atop our BLACK WAR BEARS." 40. The king frowned so deeply it seemed his face would split in half, but he curtly signaled to his gamesman cowering in the corner and bade him carry out Mordrok's instruction. ' ' 41. AND SO ENDS THE FOURTH TALE OF VICTORY ' ' Verse 5: ' ' 1. Here begins the fifth Tale of Victory, in which Mordrok the Ridiculously Patient curries the favor of some demanding Forsaken. ' ' 2. BEHOLD, MORDROK THE DEFILER! ' ' 3. You thought Mordrok was merely a GENIUS OF WAR, a vessel from which the AVATAR OF DESTRUCTION makes known his fearsome design, and that is the SNUFFING OF LIFE from the bodies of those who would oppose him. ' ' 4. BUT NO, as usual there is more to the situation than your FEEBLE HUMAN MINDS can comprehend. 5. Mordrok has been busy, you see. 6. Mordrok has been on a TOP SUPER SECRET mission in the highlands of Arathi. 7. A MISSION OF DEFILEMENT. 8. While you Alliance were sleeping snug in your WITTLE BEDS Mordrok the Wicked was laying waste to your ancestral homeland! ' ' 9. You thought your precious soil safe from Mordrok's terrifying bodily functions? 10. YOU WERE MISTAKEN. ' ' 11. Did you leave your precious cows to be FRIGHTENED TO DEATH at the mere sound of Mordrok's FIERCE BATTLE COPTER? 12. Why yes, yes you did! ' ' 13. And what of your loyal farmhands, faithfully tilling the corn upon which Mordrok now grows fat because he has STOLEN it? 14. Mordrok will tell you what. 15. THEY DIED miserably, begging for heroes to save them when none were to be found! 16. Because Mordrok had slain the heroes as well, you see. 17. And so, cackling with malevolent glee did Mordrok SPEW NOXIOUS MECHANO-HOG fumes upon their corpses, as is his fiendish wont. ' ' 18. Yes Alliance, your precious highlands are FINISHED. 19. Mordrok has DEFILED THEM. 20. They are DEFILED. 21. And for such dastardly deeds Mordrok was awarded a SWEET TABARD, but the journey was not without cost. 22. BEHOLD the ravages of age that have beset Mordrok the Handsome, after his long, long, long, long, LONG battles in the Basins of Arathi. ' ' 23. KNOW THIS, ALLIANCE. 24. Resistance is futile. 25. Mordrok will not stop at the borders of Arathi, NO. 26. Mordrok will not stop until the Eastern Kingdoms entire have been crushed beneath his sweaty boot. 27. None will be spared. 28. Mordrok regrets the death of civilians, but their regrettable lot was cast long ago. ' ' 29. Some are born Conquerors. 30. And some are born Alliance. ' ' Verse 6: ' ' 1. Mordrok does not know if his reputation preceded him before he crossed the Dark Red Portal or if the Alliance sent naught but the weakest and most limp of their forces to Draenor in a misguided attempt to defeat the Iron Horde by smothering them with the bodies of elves and men that died of fright. ' ' 2. BOTH ARE EQUALLY PLAUSIBLE. ' ' 3. For in his mighty travels, from frigid Frostfire to temperate Talador, as he cut a swath of terror and misery before him the likes of which this ridiculously improbable timeline will never see again, Mordrok has been repeatedly DISAPPOINTED with the resistance, IF IT CAN EVEN BE CALLED SUCH, of the Alliance forces he has crushed. 4. Frequently, they will simply ride away in fear. 5. Occasionally, they will stop to fight but like their squishy pink skin, their attempts are feeble, and clammy. 6. Mordrok killed one Night Elf chicken man so terribly that his ghost was left on this mortal plane, doomed to whisper pitiful beggings of mercy in Mordrok's ear, BUT THERE WAS NO MERCY. 7. PERHAPS MOST egregiously, this very morning Mordrok engaged a shaman and a paladin of the so-called "Finest" at the same time, as is his fearless way. 8. When the paladin saw the hole Mordrok chopped into her shaman friend she became so beset with horror that she called upon the Light itself to protect her from all harm as she fumbled into her pack for a hearthstone to spirit her to relative safety. ' ' 9. IS THIS WHAT YOU HAVE TO OFFER, ALLIANCE?! 10. Are your straight Human spines made of Pandaren noodles, that you cannot bear to engage an Orc of the Horde in battle? 11. Mordrok came to this silly place to chew saberfish gum and kill Humans, and even though he is out of saberfish gum the anecdote cannot be completed because the Humans are too afraid to fight and die! ' ' 12. This is your last warning. 13. Come forth and die or Mordrok will kill you. ' ' Verse 7: ' ' 1. It was a DARK and FELSTORMY night. 2. The assault on Hellfire Citadel was proceeding as planned; mighty Horde warriors, emboldened by the heroic presence of THE PEOPLE'S WARCHIEF, smashed at the gates, splintering them with Orcish brawn, Elvish flimflammery and occasionally effective Goblin contraptions. 3. The Alliance, cowed with knee-knocking terror, stood by in awe of such bravery, whimpering meekly as at last the citadel doors crashed inward. 4. Shuffling their feet awkwardly, the cowardly cretins slouched back to their portals and disappeared to Stormwind in defeat, FOREVER. ' ' 5. MEANWHILE, where the action was, Mordrok the Greatest sounded a charge so mighty that every Horde hero in Tanaan grew two extra biceps. 6. Flexing furiously, the Horde surged forward, into the black maw of Hellfire itself. 7. They CRUSHED all opposition, for fel magic is NO MATCH FOR HORDE MUSCLE. 8. Wing after wing, the Horde marched on, until at last they arrived at the highest room of the tallest tower. 9. There, the foul warlock Gul'dan weaved wicked magic before a sickly green portal. 10. Mordrok stepped forward and issued a challenge. ' ' 11. "FOUL WARLOCK GUL'DAN!" he shouted. 12. "YOU ARE DEFEATED. 13. Lay down your hands and cease your wicked magic weaving and Mordrok shall grant you a SWIFT DEATH. 14. Not by choice, of course, but because your frail body could not withstand the force of more than one mighty MORDROK STRIKE. 15. What say you?" 16. The warlock's body shook with laughter. ' ' 17. "Foolish hero, you cannot defeat me! 18. This wing isn't even open yet!" 19. With horror Mordrok realized that he had led his beloved Horde into a TRAP. 20. Gul'dan slammed his staff into the stone and the portal blazed, fel flame billowing forth as a massive, hooved figure stepped from beyond. 21. "Behold Archimonde the Destroyer! Behold your demise!" 22. Gul'dan cackled triumphantly. ' ' 23. The mere presence of the giant Eredar lord sent waves of fear into the hearts of the Horde army, and they dropped their weapons and wept piteously. 24. EXCEPT FOR MORDROK THE FEARLESS. 25. He gripped his greataxe and snarled menacingly, then charged forward at the great demon's kneecap. 26. He chopped with all his might, and blade sunk into grey knee skin as smelly green blood sprayed in twelve different directions. 27. "NO! My knee veins!" Archimonde cried, falling to the ground with a powerful thud and clutching his wound vainly. 28. "How? How could you know a demon lord's only weakness?" 29. Archimonde gasped, life draining from his knee with increasingly sluggish spurts. ' ' 30. "Everything is weakness compared to Mordrok." the heroic Orc spat, cleaning his blade on Archimonde's massive loincloth. 31. He slung the axe over his shoulder and strode towards Archimonde's gigantic face. 32. "And there is no being in this world or the next that can defeat THE GENIUS OF WAR!" he bellowed, raising his weapon high and slamming it into the demon's skull. 33. The shockwave of the crack that followed rang out across the jungle. 34. Beasts scattered to their holes. 35. Trees fell over. 36. Mountains shook. 37. Miles away, in Gorgrond, a baby cried. 38. A rylak snatched the baby. ' ' 39. Back in Hellfire, the Horde warriors cheered, though they could not hear it through their bleeding eardrums. 40. Mordrok wrenched his axe free of the demon's lifeless skull and retired forever as the greatest hero that ever existed ever, anywhere, of all time.